IBD Motherhood Unplugged: Taking on the trials of Crohn’s, infertility, and adoption

When Megan Cape of Georgia was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease in January 2004 at the age of 14, she didn’t know what the future would hold in terms of pregnancy and motherhood. After years of doctors dismissing her excruciating pain as a stomach bug or a reaction to stress, she finally received an answer. During her initial hospitalization, she had an abscess the size of a softball in her abdomen that was pushing on her spine. She was also going septic. She was rushed to surgery where surgeons removed the abscess and part of her intestine, ultimately saving her life.

Fast forward to her college years and Megan met the love of her life and future husband, Colton. She studied to be a Child Life Specialist, a career near and dear to her heart since she spent so much time in and out of the hospital growing up. One of her worst flares happened on graduation day. She was able to muster up the strength to walk across the stage and grab her diploma, but then had to be carried to the car. That week—CT scans shows she had five strictures (narrowing in the intestine which doesn’t allow food to pass through). At this point, her wedding was less than a month away. Her care team delayed surgery so that she would be able to walk down the aisle. 

“On the day of my wedding, I couldn’t even take a bite of food because the pain was so intense. After our wedding and honeymoon, my health declined quickly and got to the point where I couldn’t keep water down. I was throwing up all day and night and my family was taking turns staying up with me. I had at least one ER visit a week, but, somehow, the doctors kept missing how bad things were and would send me home,” said Megan.

She ultimately landed in the hospital for five weeks, as a 23-year-old newlywed. At the time, she wasn’t thinking about children. Megan was focused on getting better and placed faith in God’s hands that when the time would be right, she would be a mom. That was until she went into her GI doctor following the hospitalization and her second surgery. There, she was told she would never have children. Megan was devastated, as you can imagine. This week’s IBD Motherhood Unplugged sheds light on navigating this heartbreaking realization and how adoption changed Megan and her husband’s lives in the most beautiful way.

The unforeseen miracles in the making

Much to Megan’s surprise, three years into their marriage, she got pregnant the first month her and her husband started trying. Unfortunately, they lost that baby. Heartbroken as they were, they were hopeful they’d get their rainbow baby. Each time, getting pregnant happened easily, but time after time, they miscarried.

“Interestingly, God laid adoption on my heart at such a young age. I always knew I wanted to be a wife and a mom, and I always saw myself adopting. But I still felt so many emotions, wondering if and when it would ever be my turn to carry a baby.”

After four miscarriages, they decided to seek guidance from fertility specialists. It was determined that because of Megan’s Crohn’s and past surgeries, the embryos weren’t attaching correctly to her uterus and blood clots were forming, causing her to miscarry. Her physicians believed IVF was her only option, and she was ready to jump in with both feet. Megan and Colton went through all the testing and blood work, but everything came to halt when her doctor conveyed his worries about complications with egg retrieval and such in Crohn’s patients. Megan said the unknown of how her body would respond to IVF in addition to the daunting cost of it all, caused them to re-think their approach to family planning.

Preparing their hearts for something bigger

While in waiting, Megan feels God kept bringing amazing adoption stories in front of her. Stories that reminded her of when she was a little girl and told herself that would be part of her family one day.

“After years of TTC (trying to conceive) and miscarriages, I approached my husband and brought up adoption. I was truly shocked by his response because, without any hesitation, he said, “Let’s do it!” We both had an amazing peace about it and quickly began the adoption process. We had no idea what all goes into adoption and, woah, it’s a lot!”

Megan says adoption was the best and hardest thing they’ve ever done. She credits much of their “success story” to their amazing support system of family and friends who rallied around them to help raise money, to encourage them through the journey, to let them cry on hard days, and celebrate the exciting milestones.

“Nine months into the adoption process, and a month after being an ‘active’ waiting family, we got the call. A birth mom had picked us! She fell in love with us, our story, and our family after looking at our profile book. We were going to have a daughter in 3 short months!” Megan did not include that she had Crohn’s in their adoption profile book, but shared she was unable to have children. 

The blessing of Vivian Rose

Megan and her Colton’s daughter, Vivian Rose, was born October 14th, 2019. She is the answer to years and years of prayer, their miracle baby, and the light of their lives.

“Managing a chronic illness when you’re a mom is definitely hard at times! Thankfully, my Crohn’s has been under control since Viv was born and I’ve just had a few bad days here and there. Because of COVID-19, my husband has been working from home for the last year. So, on my hard days, he will take Vivian for a few hours to run errands and such so I can rest,” says Megan. “I definitely think it takes a village to raise kids in general, but, even more so, when you have IBD.”

Since becoming a mom, Megan has taken her health more seriously.

“I don’t ever want Viv to say, “Ugh. My mom is sick again.” And I don’t ever want to miss out on her day-to-day life because I’m not feeling well – as unrealistic as that may be! I have been much more intentional about eating foods that make me feel well and give me energy. I also make sure to listen to my body more and I try not to push myself as much as I always have!”

The main IBD-related symptom Megan has struggled with recently is fatigue—the kind of fatigue where you feel like you could sleep for two weeks straight and still wake up tired. 

“I get frustrated with myself, sometimes, because I don’t have the amount of energy other mamas do, but I do my best and I know that’s all I can do.”

The role of faith through IBD and infertility

Megan says she never questioned God’s plans for her life when she was diagnosed with Crohn’s during her teenage years, but infertility made her do so.

“It was, truly, the loneliest and darkest point of my entire life. I had a constant ache in my heart and the sadness I felt was unreal. As one friend after another told me they were pregnant, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was so happy for everyone around me, but it did make it that much harder. I felt so left out and so alone. I remember, so clearly, God speaking two things to me during this time: The age 29 and the thought that I wasn’t going to be left out.”

Megan wishes she could go back in time and tell her 26-year-old self what she knows now. 

“I wish I could tell her that everything is going to be okay. I wish I could tell her that 29 is the age she will become a mama to the most perfect baby girl. I wish I could tell her that God has big plans for her family, and he has not forgotten about her, but that His timing is perfect.”

Megan’s advice for IBD mamas in waiting

Megan’s best advice—do not give up. Lean into your spouse because they are not only serving as a caregiver for your IBD, but they are also hurting about the struggle to have a family. If you become an adoptive family, you’ll see that your child is handpicked for you and that the make-up of your family will be knit exactly how it was meant to be.

“We would love to give Viv a sibling, but, at this point, we are just enjoying our girl and soaking up every minute with her! Adoption doesn’t cure infertility – meaning that it is still hard sometimes that we can’t just decide to give Viv a sibling and do so easily! And I will never have a big belly or carry a baby to term. But that’s okay! If God calls us to adopt again, we will do so. We may even go the surrogacy route or Vivi may be an only child. I know, if God wants us to grow our family, it will be made obvious and we will trust Him and follow His lead.”

Megan says she refuses to allow her Crohn’s disease to define her, even though it’s dictated and shaped much of her life journey. Her IBD is the reason she can’t have kids. The reason adoption was laid on her heart at a young age. The reason she’s mom to Vivian Rose. The reason she’s disciplined. The reason she chose her college major. The reason her faith and her marriage are so strong. And the reason she has the perspective and maturity to understand that despite the setbacks and trials placed before her, she still lives a blessed life that she is grateful for.

Connect with Megan on Instagram: @mrsmeggcape

IBD and Adoption: Insight from a Crohn’s mom about the journey

When you have IBD, the path to motherhood can look different for many. There is added stress about whether your body can create and sustain a new life successfully. There’s worries about flare ups and medications and how to stay well-managed while keeping the health of your unborn child in mind…just to name a few. For 30-year-old, Audrey Bolton, of North Carolina, adoption had been a calling in her life since high school when she stood at the airport and watched a family friend bring home their daughter from Guatemala.

She knew from that day forward, she would adopt one day. What she didn’t know is that she would be diagnosed with Crohn’s disease 10 months after getting married and struggle to conceive. This week on Lights, Camera, Crohn’s, Audrey shares her journey of becoming an IBD mom through adoption and what she wants others to know about the process.

NH: Many women with IBD fear their bodies are incapable of carrying a child/or are told they aren’t well enough. What would you like to say to them?

AB: “I would tell them that every journey to parenthood looks different, but at the end of the day, we are all moms. I think it depends on everyone’s situation and it’s a conversation they need to have with their doctor(s) and their spouse. For me, I was sick at the time my husband Crawford and I wanted to have a baby. I was not sick enough to where I wouldn’t be able to parent, but I do not think my body at that time could have been healthy enough to carry a child without problems. With that said, I’m nearing remission so I do still hope that one day we can have a biological child. If a person wants to be a mom, I fully believe that there are many different avenues a person can take to be a mother.”

NH: What are some of the struggles/challenges about adoptions that you wish other families knew?

AB: “Adoption comes from a place of brokenness, so while it is so beautiful that our son Camden made me a mother, it is not lost on me that his birth mother made a huge sacrifice that left a piece of her heart missing. It can be beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.”

NH: Was the fact you had IBD ever an issue with adoption agencies?

AB: “Not at all! I love this question because I wasn’t sure what to expect when we started the process back in 2017. For all adoptions, you must complete a home study which includes health questionnaires, a physical, and several meetings with a social worker. In those meetings, we talked about my Crohn’s disease and how I was working with my doctor to treat it. If a person is well enough to parent and take care of a child, there are not any issues with having IBD and being eligible for adoption.”

NH: What are your tips for navigating the adoption journey with a partner/spouse?

AB: I could write a book on this one, but the truth is, Crawford has been my rock. He had no idea when he married me that I would be facing a chronic disease that would land me in the hospital multiple times a year for days on end. He has truly stuck by his vows “in sickness and in health.” I think the best tip I have for navigating Crohn’s with a partner/spouse is to communicate. Crawford knows when I’m not feeling well, the best thing for me is to rest and he makes it happen. He also is my voice of reason and tells me if I’m doing too much or if I need to say no to some obligations so that I can properly rest. Communication is key!

NH: What was it like when you first met your son Camden?

AB: “I always envisioned the moment we laid eyes on our son to be beautiful and the best moment of my life. When we arrived at the hospital, we had not slept in 24 hours and had driven straight through the night. We thought we would be meeting our son, but we were told he was being transferred to a Children’s hospital for further testing on his heart. He was hooked up to all kinds of wires and it was one of the scariest moments of my life. We only got to see him for about an hour before the ambulance came and took him to the Children’s hospital. It was whirlwind of a day, but God saw us through it and the next day, he passed all of his tests with flying colors and I was able to bond with my baby for the first time and have my “beautiful moment.”

NH: What’s been the most magical aspect of being an adoptive parent?

AB: “Most days, I forget that Camden is adopted. He looks just like Crawford and he’s been with us from his second day of life, so he belongs with us. Every now and then, I will have a moment and remember that he has another mom somewhere out in the world. I always say that she is my hero because she chose life for her baby boy and I would say that has been the most magical part for me. Knowing that I owe everything to a woman that I have never met. I pray that she has peace in knowing how loved he is on a daily basis.”

NH: If someone is on the fence about adoption–what would you tell them?

AB: “Pray, pray, and pray some more. If it is God’s will, he will give you that peace. I receive messages every day asking how the process works and people are scared about the cost. If it’s meant to be, don’t let the cost stop you! There are so many ways that it CAN be done.”

NH: You recently announced you’ll be adopting baby number two in 2021, you must be so excited! Did that process differ at all from Camden’s?

AB: “We are extremely excited. So far, it is the exact same because we are going through the same agency. I’m sure there will be some bumps along the way, but we are so excited to bring home baby #2.”

NH: How has already being an adoptive parent helped you through the experience this time around?

AB: “I know what to expect this time, so I am better prepared for the timeline and the traveling that is involved. With that said, our adoption with Camden was extremely quick. I was at work one minute, waiting for the phone call to meet a birth mom and the next I’m told that there is a baby waiting for us to come get him. There was no time to think or for anything to really go wrong. That makes me a little more nervous this time, as I know that it doesn’t normally happen that fast. I’m just praying that everything happens the way it should in the Lord’s timing.”

NH: How has faith played a role in how you navigate your IBD and motherhood?

AB: “I would be lying if I said I never questioned why God would allow a 25-year-old newlywed to be diagnosed with a chronic disease with no cure. It has been a tough journey, but I think God has shown me a glimpse of how strong I can be in tough situations and it ultimately prepared me to be a mother. Not long after we brought Camden home, I had a full circle moment one night while rocking him to sleep. I realized that Camden would not be in my life if it had not been for all the trials I faced with my health and months and years of seeing only one line on a pregnancy stick. While the journey was really difficult in the moment, it is the privilege of a lifetime to know God handpicked me to be Camden’s mother and that He was with me through all of the really low times.”

Connect with Audrey on Instagram: @audreyabolton

Click here to check out her blog.