Sympathy and empathy. Two different words with very different meanings. Especially to those of us in the chronic illness community. The first nine years I battled Crohn’s disease, I kept my diagnosis as private as possible. Only close friends, family and co-workers knew what I was going through behind closed doors. I did this because I didn’t want sympathy.
Back on the news desk following a bowel obstruction hospitalization, would you ever guess this was my first show back?
I didn’t want people to look at me differently. I didn’t want to be judged or looked down upon. I didn’t want to be viewed as “less than” by my peers. When you choose to suffer in silence you close yourself off to support, you close yourself off to empathy.
Since sharing my patient journey in November 2014 with the public, I’ve realized the power of empathy. How it feels when those close to you and complete strangers reach out to offer support, words of advice and choose to show compassion. By definition, empathy means, “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.” The definition of sympathy is “feelings of pity and sorrow for someone’s misfortune.”
When we choose to share our story, we open ourselves up to not only support, but criticism. People who believe we are advocates as a way of seeking attention. People who try and dumb down our personal experiences because they feel we share to get pity. People who believe we want others to feel sorry for us. This could not be further from the truth.
I share my experiences with Crohn’s disease as a way to inspire and educate.
I’ll always remember how my cousins and brother rallied around me at the Take Steps Walk in Chicago.
The last thing I want is for someone else to feel sorry for me. There is no reason to act like I have it worse than you or that you feel bad I’m not “healthy.” I am healthy, I just have a chronic disease that makes my life a little more challenging than yours. The challenges Crohn’s has brought into my life have been difficult, emotional and trying—but with each setback, comes a much stronger comeback. I am stronger and better for the trials I have been faced with.
I don’t want your sympathy. I want your empathy. I want you to reach out and see how I’m doing, because you genuinely care. I want you to show interest when I bring up my disease, rather than change the subject…or walk away. The lack of empathy and disinterest hurts more than anything. It shows you who’s a surface friend…and who is a real one.
I was hospitalized six months into my relationship with my husband. His support was amazing from the start.
Think about how you’d like to be treated and talked to, if you dealt with an invisible, chronic illness that wreaked havoc on your body without warning. A disease that you do all you can to control with lifestyle and medication. A disease of constant unknowns.
When you conversate with those in the chronic illness community—think before you speak and please choose to be empathetic, rather than sympathetic. Your efforts may seem minimal to you, but they mean more than you know.
When I was a news anchor in Springfield, Illinois, I used to interview and participate in cooking segments with a registered dietitian named Amanda Figge. She is extremely passionate and well-versed about nutrition and health and practices what she preaches in her daily life.
est to paint a picture for you. My legs feel like complete jelly. My brain feels in a fog. I feel so lethargic; the thought of showering seems overwhelming. I’m not in pain. My stomach feels fine. But, there’s something “off” and you feel it with every part of your being.
Living in the Midwest, I didn’t want two winter days with temps in the 80s to pass without enjoying them. I knew the fresh air and exercise would be a welcome excursion for my little man and me. Did those two walks with the stroller push me to my limits? What is too much? What is not enough? At 34, you feel lazy when you can’t keep up or have to admit you’re just too tired. You look perfectly fine on the outside, you feel like those around you wonder if you try and take advantage of your disease.
that stated, “Fatigue in IBD is experienced by up to 86 percent of patients with active disease and 41 percent in remission.” It’s crazy how common this is! For people with IBD, fatigue can be physical, mental or a combination of both.
As Valentine’s Day approaches and love is in the air, I’m choosing to look at my disease with my whole heart and to share my feelings with you.
I may have ended up marrying a person who really wasn’t about being with someone in sickness and in health.
There’s no sense in wondering and wishing for something that is not possible. Once you take a deep breath and stop living in your healthy past you come to realize that you were given this hand of cards for a reason.
You take those steps to heal. You focus on getting better. You do all you can to make it through. Crohn’s and any chronic illness for that matter gives you this opportunity over and over. So, while we all tend to have negative feelings about our health and worry about what the next hour will bring, try and pause and stop for a moment. Think about all the beauty and insight it’s provided—and love yourself and your disease for a second.
I had just gotten off the stage after speaking at the Crohn’s and Colitis Foundation Patient Symposium Event in October. Her and her mom, Michelle, approached me outside of the auditorium. Tears in their eyes. Smiles on their faces. I immediately felt a connection and knew this little girl was something special.
She’s had a total of three colonoscopies, an endoscopy and an MRE. She’s been hospitalized due to flare ups three times. She has three siblings at home, so as she’s in the hospital or going to the doctor, her parents have to care for them as well. There’s a reason for the saying—’it takes a village’… because it really does.
Also, as a parent of a child with a chronic illness, we are their best advocate. No one knows your child better than you do. If you think that something isn’t quite right, trust your momma instincts!”
Right before the shot, she relaxes her leg, takes a deep breath and pretends she’s anywhere but the living room couch.
When those close to me are in harms way, I have a difficult time compartmentalizing my stress and worry and not allowing it to impact my Crohn’s disease.
I have never been able to handle the thought of life without her. It’s overwhelming not to have my grandma here to talk with all the time, visit, share the holidays with and I’m heartbroken that she’ll never get to see Reid grow up. I’m also scared about dealing with this major loss and having it throw me into a tailspin. The last thing she would ever want, is for me to be sick. Each hospitalization, each flare, each setback, always hurt her heart. She hated to hear of any complications or issues. So, I know I need to be strong and reign this in…in her honor.
What can we do when we know we have to go on and be healthy for our families, but struggle to manage our IBD—even with a combination of strong medications?
She’s not your typical patient advocate. She’s an author who uses her sense of humor to not only inspire, but also make you laugh. She says things many of us think, but won’t say. Her most recent piece of work, “
That gives you an idea of what an incredible resource this book is for women in the chronic illness community. Kathleen’s ability to share her experiences and speak to others to make a difference, inspires me to be strong in my patient journey. Though we’ve never met in person, we’ve been “friends” on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram for years. I had the chance to interview her about her latest book. Here’s what she had to say:
People seem to enjoy the humour spattered throughout and find it to be informative and inclusive which is what I’d hoped for! This time round has been nerve wracking again so i try to only dip in and out of reading reviews for the sake of my own sanity/ego!”
Kathleen is dedicated to helping others feel less alone and afraid in their fight with chronic illness. As someone who’s battled Crohn’s more than 12 years, I can tell you firsthand her words empower me to be strong. I constantly find myself nodding along while I’m reading and even laughing out loud. You can follow Kathleen on Twitter and Instagram @kathfantastic.
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