Saturday my husband and I celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary. Special milestones like this tend to make us all reminisce about the past, present, and the future. When you live with IBD many of those memories and the current reality are from flare ups, hospitalizations, procedures, recoveries, and simply navigating the day to day. While Bobby has been a part of my life for nine years (next month!), I spent the first eight years living with Crohn’s disease, without him—in my 20s.
During those eight years I experienced many heartbreaks and disappointments when it came to trying to find my person. To give you the cliff notes version—my boyfriend who I was dating when I was diagnosed never visited me during a week-long hospital stay and broke up with me while I was in a wheelchair over the phone after getting discharged and going into my parent’s car. Then, I dated a guy who refused to drive 3 hours when I was hospitalized for an abscess the size of a tennis ball in my small intestine, because “gas prices were too expensive” (can you imagine how he’s handling the prices now, HA!) and he wanted to go fishing. Another moment that makes me shake my head to this day is when I had to cancel a first date because I was doubled over in pain on the bathroom floor and was heading to the ER and he texted me that it was a poor excuse and laughed at me.
While I could have seen my Crohn’s disease as a scarlet letter and settled with a person who clearly didn’t have a genuine heart, I used my IBD to guide my decision making and it brought me to the relationship and the person I was meant to be with.
So, while I was out to dinner over the weekend looking across the table at my husband and the man I have three kids with—a man who has taken my disease journey and everything that’s come along with it in stride, I not only felt an immense sense of gratitude but also want you to know that your disease can give you superhuman clarity when it comes to helping you weed through the people who aren’t your person. This week on Lights, Camera, Crohn’s a close look at love and relationships and the tremendous support our romantic partners are, while also speaking to those who are single and struggling to see themselves as anything but a burden. I hope this article shows you the incredible relationships so many of us in the IBD community have been able to have, despite our disease—and remind you that you are worthy of all that love has to offer. Your disease does not make you less than. You deserve the same respect, consideration, compassion, and unconditional love as everyone else.
How does your partner go above and beyond?
I tapped into our community on Instagram and asked: “How does your partner support you?” By reading the countless messages it just goes to show, it is possible to find a partner who sees you for more than your IBD. Someone who loves you for all of you:
“Taking care of the house, speaking up for me at appointments, fighting insurance when I can’t anymore, and listening to me.”
“Knows what I can and cannot eat and makes sure there’s food available that I can tolerate.”
“I’ve got a winner, there’s too many things to type in this small box! Will make a late-night food run because of my limited options with a flare or let me pick a meal. Shows support by driving me to colonoscopies, even if it means missing work.”
“They listen when I “complain” and offer solutions when I don’t feel well.”
“Attends most of my doctor appointments with me.”
“When I’m ill he takes over with our son and cleaning, orders takeout, and rubs my back.”
“Encouraging me to rest, especially to flare and then taking care of the house and baby.”
“Dealing with insurance and appointment scheduling so I can focus on other stuff.”
“I could go on forever but knowing my needs even when I don’t want to ask for help.”
“Helps me believe good days are coming. Asked, “where are we going on our next adventure?” while walking me around the hospital unit. Listens. Is present. Helps without being asked. Considerate. Kind. Empathetic.”
“He takes on more responsibility around the house when I’m not feeling well and comforts me!”
“By listening, learning, laughing, and trusting me.”
“Ricky is my rock. He is steadfast and always levelheaded.”
“He takes care of the kids and keeps the household running when I’m out of commission.”
“Understands the importance of rest, diet, low stress, and medications.”
“He got a Crohn’s and Colitis shirt and wears it on my bad days or procedure days to show support.”
“My husband doesn’t “do sick” well. He has never been sick since I met him 10 years ago. So, it was very hard for me during my first flare up as his wife. He did not tolerate me being sick at all. He kept telling me not to “identify” with the illness and manifest good health. At the time it was torture. I felt so alone and didn’t feel any compassion from him. He is a “mind over matter” person and has been helping me manifest a strong, healthy body. He supports us by living a very healthy lifestyle. He gets me up every morning to work out with him, no holistic treatment is too expensive. He is giving. Sacrifices everything for his family. Even though he is different from me, I’m forever grateful for his approach because I have never been healthier!”
“When I’m in a flare he takes care of the kids and cleaning so I can rest and not stress while I’m sick. Helps me feel comfortable and confident managing my Crohn’s.”
“In ever way. He never asks more of me than I can give at that moment.”
“Being by my side before I even have to ask.”
“He’s my cheerleader on injection days!”
“He understands if I need to stop driving often.”
“Does more than his share of chores. Eats safe food dinners with me. Hugs me when I cry and so much more!!!”
“My husband is truly a miracle. Diagnosed as newlyweds, never in remission. His thoughtful intentionality and his presence make me so proud and lucky. I couldn’t do this without him.”
Fears about finding your person
Now on the contrary, those who are single and struggling to find their match may hesitate to put themselves out there for many reasons. Chronic illness and love can be overwhelming. I asked the following question on Instagram: What worries you about love and IBD?”:
“They will not accept my permanent ostomy and think it’s gross.”
“Thinking I’m less fun because I don’t want to go out as much and need to rest more.”
“Feeling less than. Who wants to deal with going IBD/fibromyalgia? ☹”
“Honestly, everything…like how and will they truly be there at my worst.”
“Being considered too much baggage!”
“Why would someone choose to love someone who’s sick all the time?”
“That my husband would get tired of my lifestyle and not feeling well all the time and leave.”
“That they won’t accept my ostomy—how long do I wait to tell them? It’s hard.”
“How to tell someone when you first start dating. Men not wanting to deal with it.”
“Fearful I won’t have the energy to keep up with activities, dates, etc.”
“My wedding day—how I will feel! I’m far from that stage of life, but I worry about this often.”
“It’s hard enough to find a man, let alone one that can handle IBD life.”
“That I won’t be accepted. I’ve had to get dentures because of Crohn’s.”
“They won’t accept me for my disease, and I will be a burden to them because I’m sick.”
“That someone will get tired of dealing with my health issues. That I will burden them too much.”
“I worry about rejection and being a burden to a potential partner.”
“I’m not single, but my biggest fear is one day my spouse will wake up and realize this isn’t the life he wants and that taking care of me is too big of a sacrifice. That he’s run out of energy to give and needs to take care of himself (do what makes him happy). I don’t know what I’d do without him.”
Woah. How heartbreaking and relatable are those comments?! First, I want you to read an article I wrote awhile back that addresses the term “burden” as it relates to love and IBD. While it can be incredibly intimidating to share the fact you have IBD and everything that comes along with your personal case (scars, ostomy, flaring, need for hardcore medications, etc.), it’s all a part of you and if someone you are dating is going to pass judgement or be “turned off” by that, I’m telling you now RUN FOR THE FREAKIN’ HILLS. As you date, don’t settle for anyone who makes you feel guilty for something that’s completely out of your control. Let your IBD shine a bright light on someone’s true colors. Same goes for friendships. In the moment it can be shocking to see who is there and who is not, many people will surprise you—and not in a good way, but take that intel and keep your inner circle made up of people who you can trust implicitly and be yourself completely with.
When it comes to disclosing—you’ll know when the moment is right. For me, I told my husband on our third date while we were out to lunch. You don’t have to get into the nitty gritty, just put it out there—a high level explanation—and let them ask questions. In that moment you will be able to gauge their interest. Bobby didn’t bat an eye. To this day he reminds me I’m a healthy person, aside from my intestines. Don’t wait too long to share about your IBD so you don’t invest time and energy if they aren’t going to be worth it. If you’re lying in a hospital bed and feeling neglected or alone as you face serious health complications, it’s time to take a serious look at what you want and what you need in a relationship. I promise you will not regret breaking up with someone who makes your life and emotions complicated.
I can still remember crying in my parent’s bedroom after being diagnosed with Crohn’s and dealing with a breakup during the same week. I was 21. It felt like my world was crashing and burning. I wish I could hug that girl and tell her not to worry and that she’d be a happily married mom of three kids who rose above and didn’t settle. Love and IBD doesn’t have to be scary, it’s something really special.